How odd it is to find myself approaching 60, married to a minister but mostly agnostic. Geoff says he is sure God can handle any doubt I may throw at him. His faith is sure yet gentle. He feels no need to force convert me (which of course he knows would be impossible anyway)and trust that I am on my path for a reason. He says one of the things he admires about me are the deep and difficult questions I am incapable of just ignoring. It has helped him better define his own faith and some of our best conversations are about such things. Still, it can’t be easy to be married to an agnostic when you are a minister.
I’ve always envied people who seem at peace in their faith, who even find comfort from it when facing all the inevitable sorrows life throws at us all in one way or another. How comforting it must be to really believe there is someone out there who knows your name and cares what is happening to you.
I just can’t buy it. I wish I could as it seems to me it would be easier than facing things like the death of a child or your own mortality or even just the normal day to day concerns of life with no such comfort.
It’s certainly not been for lack of searching. I am a voracious reader. Read the Bible through more than once. Have large portions of it memorized even. The poetry of it still sings to me. Its why I like King James I think. The poetry of it. I can even find a certain comfort in the idea of these ideas as metaphors of some deeper truth perhaps. But try to make it literal and it dies for me.
Good thing I’m living in today as they’d likely of tried to kill me had I lived a 100 years ago and almost certainly done so had I lived 200 years ago. I figure I’m pretty safe in 2018 especially given I don’t expect anyone will even read this. But if they do read it, I hope my struggle might make theirs a little easier if for no other reason than perhaps they will feel less alone.
I don’t feel alone much any more. I’ve made a certain peace with my introverted INFP personality. INFP’s don’t need a lot of people in their lives and can’t see the purpose in shallow relationships I think because any relationship is so exhausting for an introvert. But I do know what it is to feel alone. Especially that certain existential aloneness you feel when you are not sure there is a god much less one that knows your name.
So I will put my many musing here and take what you find helpful and leave the rest. I won’t pull my punches not for myself, not for God and not for you so if raw doubt and sometimes agony bother you don’t read on. Life’s hard enough without looking for issues. If your faith is settled, rest in it. I wouldn’t wish my particular path on anyone but it is the path I’m called to by whatever calls and if you too feel that way maybe something here will help you. That’s my hope.